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We've got heads on sticks...
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. Tuesday, 12:07 am] |
Date Ideas:
Unusual (and fun!) Date Ideas:
1. Go on a search for as many good climbing trees as possible, climb as high as you both can in all of them, compile photo evidence
2. Go to a major chain bookstore, and leave notes to future readers in copies of your favorite books
3. Have her dress up as a ghost and you dress uup us Pacman. Walk around downtown holding hands, and whenever anyone sees you two, pretend to be embarrassed, and run off screaming “wocka wocka wocka.”
4. Create photo evidence suggesting that you went on an adventure that didn’t really happen
5. Dress up as superherous and stop at least one petty crime “ie. jaywalking, littering….”
6. Build forts out of furniture and blankets, and wage war with paper airplanes.
7. Try and visit as many people as you can in one night, and turn as many things inside their apartment upside down as you can, without them noticing.
8. Go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when you show up, and stay there for a weekend.
9. Write a piece of fiction together. Outside at a cafe. Ask strangers when you get stuck.
10.Dress to the nines, pretend to be married, and test drive very expensive vehicles at an auto dealership.
11.Do the lamest tourist thing in your area that you have both secretly wanted to do forever. Have an unabashed good time!
12.In the middle of the night, drive to the beach, so you arrive just as the sun is rising. Have a breakfast picnic, then fall asleep together. Bring a sun umbrella.
13.Drive somewhere unknown and have dinner in a city you’ve never been to. With fake names.
14.Go to a minor league baseball game under the stars. Tell each other stories about how bad you are at athletics. Randomly cheer for both teams. Eat lots of Cracker Jacks.
15.Go around the city with sidewalk chalk and draw hearts with equations inside on random things
16.Walk around a city and perform short silent plays in front of security cameras
17.With camera and pair of boots, make photolog of a day in the life of the invisible man.
18.Walk around the city all night and find a place to eat breakfast at dawn
19.Go to a restraunt and convince the cook to create something completely new for you.
20.Rent a movie you’ve never seen before. Set on mute and improvise dialogue. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. Wednesday, 03:57 pm] |
Okay, livejournal, this is the first time I've ever told you that I have a boyfriend. Weird. I'm excited. Today might be an off-day though. I've been single for song, I have no idea what to do with myself now that I'm officially committed. It's a cliche thing to say, and I'm not complaining.
I think I'm just getting bombarded with all of these traditional expectations of the college-aged romance. You spend the night over at your boyfriend/girlfriend's house. You have sex, you're expected to do stuff. You eat, walk, dance, drink together. Do I want to be with another person for that long?
I was also told that fights are an inevitability. With someone as good natured as John? Clearly I'm going to be the bad guy, because I'm not going to understand all of the regulations. I don't know how to be a "good girlfriend." I don't know how to open up to a male that I am sexually attracted to. And what if people don't approve of this momentus reunion? So many variables to think about. It all feels like a secret club that I wasn't invited to, until now. People that I haven't talked to in months, years, are suddenly talking to me and asking about the boy. That's nice, I guess. Now that I'm in a couple I seem to be more desirable, or more relatable.
But I'm just going to ignore all of that. Part of me wants to put it all under a microscope, now that I'm finally IN the club. But I just need to go with it. He invited me to a trip up to Donegal, and I'm beginning to get more and more overwhelmed. Hotel room, fancy cocktail dress and a banquet, Irish politics, his friends.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. Tuesday, 11:59 pm] |
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It's like I'm on some sort of private island. Where only I can know some sort of secret that gives me goosebumps and makes me sing. It's like we have our own country, I'm not a visitor, but I still get lost some times. That made no sense. But its warm and tingly and makes me hungry sometimes. |
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[Oct. Friday, 07:42 pm] |
All feminist theory aside,
In my heart I'm just a confused girl who doesn't know what she wants. Maybe he'll tell me. Maybe he'll tell me that I'm the one he wants.
Am I going to be an American girlfriend? Am I going to have an Irish boyfriend?
Shit, who knew. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. Friday, 08:06 pm] |
Now, I'd like to think I'm an intelligent person. I scored in the high percentile bracket for the SATs, I go to a decent university. I know how to piece together bits of evidence and make a conclusion based on those facts. I have depth perception, I know when someone hides a Snickers bar behind their back, I know it isn't gone forever, I know it will come back if I snatch it from their hand or they decide to give it to me. I've read great works of literature, understood them, enjoyed them.
People who fall in this category usually seem to reject the tenants of traditional religion and conservative values, often opting for a more modernistic view of the world. A world that is in flux, a world that is large, a world that sometimes makes the individual seem like an infinitely small organism in an infinitely big universe.
So, as one of these people, inclined to look at empirical evidence in order to understand their everyday life, and encouraged by my peers and colleagues and friends to do so, why is it that in terms of relationships I must maintain some sort of spiritual vigilance about it?
By spiritual vigilance, I mean any or all of the following phrases:
"He just wasn't meant for you."
"Keep the faith, you'll find someone."
There are caveats to this. No one, in their right mind, will hold a candle lit vigil for their future soul mate. But I have no tangible proof that whoever this magical and mystical and all knowing Mr.Darcy/Batman/John Mayer hybrid I imagine my perfect man to be will ever show up. Statistically, there is nothing viable to indicate he will swoop down and pluck me off from the ground any time soon. Maybe even ever.
I practice most of the socially acceptable dating rituals. Displaying ones assets in elaborate mating rituals of the bars on Friday nights. Darkening the eyes, elongating the eyelashes, wearing tight jeans, a shirt that shows off my breast. It's all biological. Men and women find beauty in symmetry and proportion, which explains corrective measures taken by makeup. Instinctively, men (straight men) want women who can provide and take care of his offspring with breast milk, so it is important to show off how ample one's bosom is. It's technical and degrading and not romantic, yet it's folded over and squeezed into and shoved into all aspects of romance novels, movies, theatre, noir, whatever.
If you think about it, eating in public must be really quite disgusting. You're ingesting food in public. You excrete food in private. We're all hypocrites!
Anyway, back to why Mr. Darcy Batman Mayer doesn't exist:
I have tried different scientific approaches. I have tried to be the most socially acceptable woman. Dress the way males want women to dress, laugh at their jokes, stroke their egos, pretend to be calm and unstartled. I have done the exact opposite: Been myself. Neither of which have led to successful result of a long-lasting relationship. In fact, quite the opposite. Devastating accounts of ego-bruising and humiliation which has kept my metaphorical tail between my legs for quite some time. I have tried to alter my appearance further under the guise of "self-improvement" but really, we all know that the thin girls get the good looking guys. That hasn't worked either, in fact with that worrisome variable out of the way, its only made the truth that much more startling.
I have sat in coffee shops and book stores, where I dream I will meet Mr. Darcy. I have tried the bohemian romance fantasy of meeting someone's lover in a laundromat.
So, for the very few amount of people, girls in my situation. Smart girls who were raised to believe to think for themselves. Who came from good families. Who know how to use similes and metaphors and derivatives and equations. Raised to believe that one day, if we are good girls, their own person Mr. Darcy/Joe Jonas/whatever their ideal man is, will come down from the heavens and grace us with his presence.
Like an angel. When we least expect it. When we really need it, but don't want it. And our lives will never be the same afterward. Our theoretical love, when it's really good, will open our hearts and no longer will we need Nicholas Sparks Novels or pink vibrators to get us through lonely or frustrating times. Just stop waiting, go do something, make yourself a sandwich in the kitchen, and when you come back Mr. Ken Doll (only this time, with a HUGE...) will be waiting for you.
I can't speak at all for the male perspective. We're told there are 3 types of men in the world:
(1) Jerks and perverts
(2) Old men, married men, gay men - the ones that are off limits sexually
(3) Nice guys
To me, none of this adds up. For me. Personally. I know people find love in unexpected places, and when those who are not ask when their turn is, the only response is some mystical "love will choose you when you are truly ready."
Do I really want love? Or don't I. Of course everyone wants love. Not everyone wants to be committed to another person when they haven't figured themselves out yet....which is what I suppose I was doing for the last 21 years. But other girls haven't. I know plenty of girls NOW who should not be running around showing their cooch to anyone who wants to sneak a peak because of their impending daddy issues, their immaturity, whatever. But they do it anyway. And some of them are really happy. Who am I to tell them that their love is not deserved. That it is ME, the girls LIKE ME who stay home on Friday nights sometimes, who really deserve the attention. To be rewarded for thinking for themselves, reasoning and deducing logical arguments, enjoying the arts, nature, solving equations, and running marathons.
So statistically, when I have done nearly EVERYTHING to attract a mate and have failed continuously, sometimes gloriously, since the age of 14, there must be some other variable that is multiplied by myself that adds up to the zero success rate. All I know is that, by the basic mathematical law I learned in 3rd grade, if you multiply anything by zero, the answer is zero. So whatever X is, it must equal zero.
Perhaps on a literary level then. Or a philosophical level. Or on a biological level. Or musically even? Everyone's been trying to find what the true value of the X Factor. There have even been reality shows devoted to this cause.
I'm stumped. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. Tuesday, 03:35 am] |
Here I am, 51325 miles away. And it finally happened. I'm crying for myself, for all of the girls like me who don't lead guys on and get ignored. For every passing glance.
Why am I just ignored? And why is the one person I truly want so far away?
I can't believe I'm so upset over this. But I need to be. It's just not fucking fair. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. Tuesday, 02:06 am] |
I love you.
Please tell me.
Please talk to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. Sunday, 03:40 am] |
I made a mistake that I enjoyed.
But why do I feel sad?
He's not ready for me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. Sunday, 11:45 pm] |
I'm a question to be answered.
A mess to be made.
I am learned but not experienced.
I was sad that certain people didn't bother to show up yesterday, but I thought
I'm thankful for the people who did.
So, thank you :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. Thursday, 11:45 pm] |
The New York Yankees
Circle I Limbo General asshats
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind Militant Vegans
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow Creationists
Circle IV Rolling Weights Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled River Styx Scientologists
Circle VI Buried for Eternity River Phlegyas Hipsters
Circle VII Burning Sands Oakland Raider Fans
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement NAMBLA Members
Circle IX Frozen in Ice Design your own hell |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. Monday, 12:00 pm] |
Maybe this won't be so bad. I'm finally getting the alone-time I deserve. I just don't fucking care about what they think anymore. In a year I'll be financially independent, and will be having orgies and butt sex and whatever other stuff the Catholic Church doesn't approve of.
At least I was threatened to go to "bible camp" or my stuff wasn't out on the driveway like last time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. Sunday, 08:23 pm] |
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Is there a way I could just fade out for just 2 weeks? Probably. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. Wednesday, 11:43 pm] |
I don't ever want to go through that again.
But I probably will. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. Sunday, 01:22 am] |
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Nights like tonight I'm going to miss when I go to Ireland. <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. Saturday, 12:18 am] |
That's it.
Smiths are going on. only Morrissey knows.
Please please please please let me get what I want... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. Wednesday, 10:00 pm] |
So a guy named Elliot walked into my store today, and asked me why I was laughing at the computer. I told him about a Patton Oswalt video I was watching and he knew all about it. We talked for an hour afterward, and we exchanged information. He's short and not what I expected at all, but he's a sweet guy and he asked me out today after work.
I don't understand. I didn't think I could click so well with someone right off the bat, but we were talking like we were old friends.
Timing is really hilarious. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. Sunday, 11:55 pm] |
I'm starting to figure things out.
I want to write a book about static. More importantly, the static you have to filter through in order to get to the things you really want. My whole life, everyone's life past 1941 is filled with static. Advertisements, overabundance of information, aphorisms and pop culture telling us how to reference and frame our lives. I'm beginning to get through all that. It drove me to a nervous breakdown, I've realized. To a therapist's couch, to hatred. I was told how to react to occurrances in my life, never wondering. Now I wonder. Now I don't turn to a reference book or Google in order to get what I want.
This is all horribly abstract, but know that its a good entry. I think I've reached the breakthrough I've wanted.
So the only logical thing now is to write a book about it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. Sunday, 01:09 am] |
I had this brilliant idea where I just stop talking to all boys I have known for less than 6 months and just focus on me. The one I want doesn't want me, and the one who does is a B-Hollywood Actor who drives a scooter. Why settle when I never have?
It's going to be that simple. I realized I won't be seeing them ever again, so why not just make those relationships that matter count? I've come to realize that, in some Sex and the City type fashion, that LA boys just aren't for me. One, though he may be charming and say all the right things, is just unreachable. The other, like all guys, just needs to put his dick in something. Why does Blake even like me anyway? Besides the vagina that's attached to the legs he mentions frequently.
I've been trying to maintain the difference between settling and "being realistic." And "being realistic" means selling yourself short sometimes. I have needs, and I thought those needs were being taken care of for a while, but I realize now I crave something more than sex, I crave physical touch and intimacy. And I realize now that if I don't get those two things soon I may just wind up more crazy than I already am. I thought I was celebrating this new found sexually empowered lifestyle, now I've proven I can handle that and should focus on other adult factions of this life that I want.
So I think I'm just going to work on breathing deeply, exercising, eating avocados, making money at work, and being with the people that I really care about. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. Wednesday, 03:15 pm] |
Okay, so my homework is to work on living in the present:
1. Sun is shining.
2. Grass is green.
3. I feel quite good.
And I guess I'm in a relationship now? |
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